wandering sails

Julie Steiskal 1978-2008

2008-06-26T23:31:00.005-05:00

Julie will be remembered for her passion for photography and love for those around her. Our thoughts and prayers are with her family and friends.

www.juliesteiskal.com/memorial

why i don't like ikea.

2008-05-14T08:08:00.005-05:00

1. it is impossible to buy a frame or a frame with a mat for an 8x10. they insist on cutting their mats to 8 1/4 x 10 3/4. this does not work with any type of print one would have. sure, i could get a 10x13 and then lop off half of it, but then the integrity of the original composition is messed up. (although, i'll be the first to say that an 8x10 is a crime of a crop to my original image, but that's entirely beside the point. the point here is to say why ikea is dumb.)

2. they've stopped offering bags. now, i'm all for going green. i only use paper bags at the grocery store if i need one for the recycling. but to give no warning? and to only offer a bag the size of toronto? poor. very poor.

3. their carts are crap. they're all swingy and free to move, but so much so that by the time i'm done shopping, my entire right side hurts from trying to turn tight around corners and down aisles lined with glass.

4. i don't like that i have to go through the showroom first. i don't care about the showroom. i know what i want and i want to go get it. i don't like having to go up to the showroom and then back down the level i both started on and want to be on. it's stupid.

5. their elevators only open to one side. so when their escalator is out, and i have my cart full of unbagged vases and candle holders, i have to wait for the elevator, maneuver around the deep cracks in the sidewalk so the weird escalator wheels don't get stuck in them, walk back into the building and then out to the main parking area. ridiculous.

and as i put my cartload of those vases, candle holders and frames into the cub foods paperless bags from my trunk, i cursed ikea. i cursed it like it ought to be cursed.

heatless bliss.

2008-03-11T13:07:00.007-05:00

i like to think of myself as a flow with it kind of person. an adapter. a roll with the punches girl. sure there are times when i'll have none of it, but in general, i think it's easier to adjust than anything else.

take heat, for example. i don't always turn it on. at home, i usually wait until it's almost painfully cold before i'll crank up the furnace in the fall. partly because i know it's going to smell like a furnace that hasn't run all summer. and that's something a girl likes to put off as long as possible, you know?

and in my car. well. the heat knob usually collects dust. even though i live in minnesota and i drive over 40 minutes to work everyday, it's pretty rare that i bother to turn the heat on. i mean, seriously. i've already bundled up to get myself from building to car without catching cold and as you all know, it's awfully hard to unbundle and rebundle while you're sitting in the drivers seat. i've tried. it's not a skill i have. besides, i really don't like stuffy cars. and often, when the heat is on, it's forgotten about until the air is beyond stuffy and you're tempted to roll the window down for relief. i do not like the stuffy car heat.

so i don't usually turn it on. where i run into problems is when i cart other people around. i'm so used to not having it on, that i forget i should when others are in the car. some passengers, like dawn, wait a bit before asking, 'are you going to turn the heat on?' and i always blubber through an apology and have a good laugh with them. dawn knows me fairly well, so this works.

but then, there are passengers like scott, who are super nice and polite and haven't known me for long. scott and i are helping to plan a gathering for photographers this spring and we met one night to scout out some locations. we drove all over tarnation, got out and walked around a few places and every once in a while, scott would say something like, 'wow, my hands are cold.' and i would think, 'weird, scott's so sensitive to the cold.'

only on the drive home from that meeting did i realize that i had never turned the heat on.

the excuse.

2008-03-10T09:37:00.001-05:00

i should preface with this: i like my life.

but here's what's sad about my life.

this morning, my arkansas bathroom experience came to mind. and i thought, man, things like that don't happen to me anymore. that's why it's so hard to blog.

but i was wrong. i think things like that do still happen to me. i think the difference is that i react to them differently. i have to. my time is strained. which, on some level, is a good thing. my business is doing well, but not well enough to be able to give up the steady paycheck. which means, at times, that i'm working two full time jobs. and somewhere between them, i'm trying to find time to mow the yard, do the laundry and visit the grandparents. it's hard. but that's where i am right now. i'm in a phase that i forget to write about the funny. i still chuckle to myself and say 'are you KIDDING me?' a lot, but then it leaves. my brain is too tired some days to retain experiences longer than a car ride.

and that's my true block.

as i'm trying to better organize my time, which i think is part of the problem, i really do want to make an effort to write. so bear with me. i'm coming back. slowly. but i'm coming.

ha 2.

2008-03-10T08:17:00.000-05:00

it would seem i know myself better than i thought i knew myself. and i didn't know it.

ha.

2008-02-07T15:31:00.001-06:00

there's a little voice in my head that just said that to me.

ha.

because i resolved, just now, to start blogging again.

for now, i'll leave you with two things. one, the thing that got me out of the routine in the first place... my website. http://www.juliesteiskal.com/

two, this photo i took on my way into work today. i like it. just thought i'd share it.

the not-so-finer things.

2007-12-20T12:54:00.000-06:00

i write this, hopefully after the fact, but at least in the midst of what i've dubbed homeowner hell. i know things could be worse. i know that others have had it worse. but this is my worst.

this past friday night, after noting 'light for refrigerator' on my shopping list, i cozied up under the covers and thought about how i was looking forward to a weekend off. a weekend with no orders to process. a weekend with nowhere to drive. a weekend with no responsibilities other than picking up after myself. my house was moderately clean and what wasn't could wait until this week. i had enough food in the house to get me through the weekend and a new movie to entertain my brain. i needed this weekend. after four months working two full time jobs and trying to stay sane while keeping the lawn mowed, the dishes washed and the walk shoveled, i needed this break.

saturday morning, i lazily woke up. i stretched. i tucked my blankets up under my chin. an unusually cold morning, i was glad to be spending more time in my quilted cocoon. after a bit, i picked up a book from beside my bed and started to read. near bliss.

half an hour later, i rolled out of bed and strolled to the bathroom. grabbing a sweatshirt on the way, i started brushing my teeth.

the few minutes one spends brushing her teeth is a fantastic time for thinking. because none is required to complete the task at hand. so i thought. i thought, huh. it's awfully chilly in here. maybe i should turn the heat up a bit. so i did. then i realized that the vents had already been blowing. so, with a dreadful heart, i put my hand in front of a vent. cold. and another. also cold.

assuming my pilot light went out, i pulled up the door and traisped downstairs. my furnace, which I'm not familiar with, clearly states that i cannot manually light my pilot light. not having any idea what all the jargon meant on the outside panel in regards to troubleshooting, i called my dad. mostly because i didn't really want to deal with it. so he came, struggled with it, and eventually got it running again.

i continued my weekend. got a few things done. sat in a chair for a while. watched a movie.

sunday evening, i walked past the vent in the office and felt a large draft. you know, the kind that comes from a furnace strenuously trying to warm up a room when it has nothing but cold air to blow? that kind.

after i 'oh, crapped' a bit, i went downstairs. i took off the front panel. i read the indicator light and the corresponding issue. same as yesterday. i did all the things we'd done the day before to no avail. i called my dad. he walked me through some stuff. i called 8 heating & furnace repair companies, 7 with emergency numbers, none with actual live people. i asked my dad, 'does this qualify as an emergency?' since i'm not one to yell fire unless there really is one, and he responded, 'when it's below freezing and your furnace doesn't work, that's an emergency.' i left a message on the voicemail of the business with the most creative name and waited. i bundled up and kept working. tom called back, i gave him the history, he asked if i'd done this or this, i said yes, he said, try this. so i open up the panel he tells me to open, i reach my flashlight into the space to see what he said i might see and i see the carcus of the vilest creatures i know. in the span of a millisecond, the hand whips back out, the panel gets shut and i go back upstairs. i'm sorry i'm such a girl i tell tom. i can't do mice. i don't think he really knew what to say. i don't think he believed that i wasn't doing anything else until the thing disappeared. he just doesn't understand. i can't. i called my parents' house and surprised myself a bit with the welling up of some tears and waited for my dad. my father, my knight, comes and takes over. removes the alien and calls tom. after almost two hours, my dad tries something tom doesn't think will work and it does. problem solved.

it's late, i go to bed and pray it doesn't break again. it doesn't.

but last night, i got home from work, opened the fridge to get out a stick of butter and wondered, 'why is this butter so soft?'

i waved my hand around inside. warm. i opened the freezer. waved my hand around inside, even after seeing that things seemed to be unfrozen. not so cold like a freezer should be. i checked to see if it was plugged in. i hefted the basement door up and checked the breaker box. sure enough, one switch was off. weird. so i flipped it and heard the whir of the fridge. are you kidding me? i checked inside the fridge... huh. my light worked. wait. has my fridge been slowly warming up since friday when the light first went out?

with a huge sigh and a longing look toward the comfort of the livingroom, i pulled out a pan. and then another. and another. and all night long, i cooked meat. i threw alot out. i salvaged what i could. i disinfected everything that stuck around. like the refrigerator. and when i was all done and the cooked meat refrozen or packed away for lunches, i washed up and crawled into bed.

so now i sit, wondering why on earth a switch, only accessible by pulling up an area of my floor and hidden by the door of a breaker panel, just shuts off. when none other does. and i sit, tenuously hopeful that tonight, when i go home, i can actually sit in my chair and sew. and not have to worry that something else is broken.

and for a silver lining, tonight, when i open my refrigerator to pull out something for dinner, i'll be able to see what i'm grabbing. and it'll be coming from a really clean place. which is always a good thing.

the fine things.

2007-11-15T09:47:00.001-06:00

there is a little old lady that i pass every day on my way to work. she's always out walking in her reflective orange and yellow vest. i think that's funny. because it makes her look a little like a road construction worker. since it's gotten colder, i figured she'd wait until later in the day when it's warmer to walk, but every day, she's still out there walking in the near dark. and she's added a coat and mittens and a scarf, tied old swedish style.

she's adorable.

someday, i really hope i get to live a life that lets me wake up in the morning, bundle up, tie a scarf around my head instead of my neck and go out walking.

little things.

2007-10-31T09:00:00.000-05:00

today, i was chased down by the cutest little witch i think i'll ever see.

with her sweet little smile, she handed me a bag of peanut m&m's from her plastic pumpkin. how great is that?

and the best thing?

i made it through the entire bag without ever encountering a brown one.

poll.

2007-09-25T08:31:00.000-05:00

if you broke your foot and i said you were crippled, would you be offended?

the duck.

2007-09-24T09:03:00.000-05:00

one morning, back in july, i was peacefully curled up under my quilt, listening to the sounds of morning. i had a lot to do that day, but it was saturday, which meant that i didn't have to get up early and drive. i didn't have to spend my morning with people. my mind could wander, my eyes could be still. and so, around 8 o'clock, i was enjoying my morning in bed when an enormous crash shook my walls and windows and brought me promptly to my feet.

what tree just fell on my house??? oh, my word. as i'm rushing through the house, looking out all the windows and up at the ceilings (being utterly convinced the only thing that could make such a racket really would be a tree on my roof), i becoming more and more confused. something had to have hit my house. my windows rattled. my bed shook. shaking my head, and having found nothing, i decided to go back to bed. i still had another fifteen minutes and i wasn't going to waste them.

as i walked back through the front room, i glanced at the front window. what's that stuff running down my window? gross.

now, it's important to know that i live on a sweet little street in a small town, just around a mile away from the closest body of water. there are no boggy marshes or gently flowing streams anywhere nearer than the lake. and now, knowing this, you can imagine my surprise when, upon further inspection, i saw a female wood duck sitting on my front porch.

i have had june bugs hit my window. i have had hummingbirds and robins hit my windows. i happen to know that these things have hit other windows on other houses as well. but i have never heard of a duck mistaking an unreflective porch window for open skies.

God's got some pretty crazy alarm clocks.

things i don't understand #34.

2007-07-19T09:14:00.000-05:00

almost three years ago, we bought my house. before i was a homeowner, i never heard from realtors. you'd think i would. i was an apartment dweller for almost two years. and i didn't like it. they would have been smart to let me know they were available to help me spend my money.

but they didn't.

now, however, they do. ever since i moved in, they've let me know who they are, how great they are, how much they think i need them. i get at least one postcard or letter every other week. this makes no sense to me. none.

why would i want to purchase a home immediately after i purchased another? why would i want to sell a home i had just purchased?

it just seems like poor marketing, this marketing to those that don't need it. don't you think?

lost keys and sleep.

2007-06-05T20:42:00.000-05:00

so today, i finally got my car in to get new tires and an alignment. it's pretty bad. i should have gone in a bit earlier. like february. since i'm sort of a hands-free driver at times, it was starting to get dangerous. my knees are excellent steerers, but not nearly as good as my hands are, which should be something you all already know. but sometimes i get tired of holding the wheel with my fingers. especially since it shakes so bad from the super old tires. my car was so badly aligned that if my knees or hands weren't touching the wheel (say, in the middle of a switch), the whole car would veer directly for the ditch/curb/cars in the right lane faster than you can say holy toledo. what this meant was that my left arm muscles, which have traditionally been the weaker limb due to my right-handedness, found themselves on a slightly more even playing field with the right arm muscles.

anyway, i went to pick up the car today and when he brought out my key, there were two keys in the envelope. in my head, i screwed up my forehead and wondered where on earth they had found my key.

see, on sunday, i went with joel and kathy to halle's recital. i met them at their house beforehand, then we caravanned to adam and susie's to drop maggie off, i parked my car and we rode together downtown. somewhere between shutting off my car in their driveway and leaving their house for my car, i lost my key. because we were in a hurry when we left, i just dug out my spare key and drove off. assuming i had just left it on the floor next to where i had set my purse, i swung by on my way home to get it. and i couldn't find it. i looked high and low. no sign of it. since i was really tired from the wedding i shot on saturday, i really just wanted to go home and lay down, so i left them a note asking them to keep an eye out for it and went home. i looked through all my stuff later on, thinking it maybe got put in with my computer or fell between the seats in the car. no such luck. the dumb thing was gone.

and so i was extremely curious as to where they had found it.

he says, the guys found this one in your trunk. in my trunk? you know, he says, in the trunk lock.

so for two days, i drove around with my key hanging out the back of my car. i so need sleep.

things i do not like #18.

2007-05-25T18:51:00.000-05:00

you know when you pack a banana for your breakfast in your lunch bag and then decide not to eat? and then when you go to eat your honey dijon kettle chips later, they taste like banana honey dijon chips?

i do not like that. chips should not taste like banana.

the meme.

2007-05-24T10:33:00.000-05:00

okay... i don't normally do these, but i'm always open to new things. that's actually a lie. i'm not really open to new things. but it sounds good, right?

jen tagged me to do this... a meme. not sure what a meme is, but i'm going with it anyway. just because i like her! ;)

the apparent rules:
each player starts with seven random facts about themselves. people who are tagged need to write on their own blog about the seven things and the rules. you need to choose seven people to tag and list their names. don't forget to leave them a comment that they have been tagged and to read your blog!

1. today, i'm wearing a blue shirt. two of them, in fact.

2. in junior high, my best friend was a girl named sara miller. i wish that i knew where she was now... and i don't think i'll ever find out.

3. i love to make my own bread. without a machine.

4. i wish i were in a place where i could smell the rain right now.

5. jane austen is my favorite author.

6. the dahlias were my favorite, but they're too time-intensive, so i had to let them die.

7. i love pom pomegranate peach passion white tea.

let's see... who's next?

patrick... he's been rather absent in blogworld as well.
johnny... because the man just isn't busy enough. ;)
erin... just because i like her!
steven... because i'm hoping he still reads this... !
julia... just trying to help her get back in the game as well.
kim... she's quite clever and certain to come up with good stuff.
and last but certainly not least... kristin. because she needs to start a blog.

i'm an idiot.

2007-05-23T13:18:00.000-05:00

today, i went to the bank. i made a deposit. and while this may seem like a fairly minor thing, it's actually an act worthy of clapping. or some shaking of the head. so go ahead. shake your head.

i should have gone to the bank two weeks ago. when i first started collecting checks in my purse. but i didn't. i'd get in my car after work, turn up the music, put my hands on the wheel and drive. and stop thinking. knowing that i was only going home and i'd have to start working again, i used my commute as my downtime. and every day, i drove right by the bank. and forgot to deposit the checks.

i kept getting checks, too. and the back of my mind had this really terrible idea that made no sense at all... wow. i keep getting more checks, the longer i wait to deposit these. maybe i'll keep getting checks if i don't ever make it to the bank. like i said. dumb. this type of thinking is the result of someone not getting much sleep since october. and that someone is me. so i have lots of really dumb thoughts these days.

monday, i overdrafted. this is why i am an idiot. i have the money. it's not like times are so hard and i'm not sure where my next meal is going to come from. i do.

from one of those checks sitting in my dumb purse.

and so, i passed my pennies worth of paper over to the teller this afternoon and she turned it into roughly $1500. it's really a good deal.

i should try it more often.

things you missed while i wasn't blogging.

2007-05-23T03:22:00.000-05:00

so i've been on a break. kind of like a ross and rachel thing, but really not. more of an out-of-the-habit thing. and a life-got-really-busy thing. i wrote a bit, but i didn't get around to posting anything. so while stories of snowy mornings and early spring may seem out of place in this green, green spring, i post them anyway. enjoy!

spring.

2007-03-22T20:42:00.000-05:00

i'm sitting on my livingroom floor. i'm flipping through the dictionary, trying to make sense out of the fact that i've never purchased a thesaurus. the light is starting to fade. and i am startled by the chirping of birds. as my head gently snaps up, i smile. i cozy into the moment.

spring is coming.

ignoring the signs.

2007-02-26T10:51:00.000-06:00

my back door has a tendency to freeze shut. one winter, my garage door froze shut and that was super inconvenient, but definitely not a major problem. but this morning, my back door froze shut. using the front door was certainly an option, but the front walk hadn't been shovelled yet and my boots were in my car. and since i don't like snow in my shoes or wet pants, it meant that the back door really was my only option.

and so i pulled. and then i kicked. i stubbed my toe. so i hit it with the palm of my hand. i laughed at the ridiculousness of it. after five minutes, it finally breaks free. i'm laughing as i shut the door behind me, thinking, i've got to blog this.

and then the door doesn't shut. i've loosened up enough of the ice that the door is now unable to fully shut. glancing up at my ghetto back door, with it's broken window from last year's decision to try and slam the door shut to remove the ice, i break out the screwdriver. as i'm chipping away at the massive chunks of ice, i think, yeah, this is going to get blogged.

and so i chuckle to myself as i'm walking across the back deck. maybe i'm not supposed to go to work today, i think. that'd be nice.

and as i put my foot down on the second step, it goes flying out from underneath me. i turn my body and hold my laptop in front of me to protect it from the fall. my right arm flails and lands deep in the fresh snowfall. i quickly get up and start to laugh. okay, God, am i really not supposed to leave home today??? i soon realize that my right hand is mittenless. i look up to find it peacefully lying in the middle of my back yard. surrounded my lots and lots of snow. alright. i'll put this stuff in my car, get it started, grab my boots and then go get the mitten. after surveying the situation, i decide that the job can be done with only one boot. i place my unbooted foot very near the edge of the snow, pray for flexibility & balance, and take one giant step into the snow. then i switch my weight and lean as far as i can to grab the mitten. success! as i hobble back to my car, i brush off the snow and laugh a little more. are you trying to tell me something? and if he was trying to tell me something, i ignored it as i backed out of the driveway.

and see the thing about the end of my driveway, is that i had shovelled it, but not gotten around to shovelling it after the plow had gone through. i had been making sure that my tires were approximately in the same place each time i had backed out or pulled in over the weekend. but i hadn't been laughing my way out of the driveway. and this morning, i was. and mere seconds after i realized that the four foot snow bank was a little too close to the side of my car, i got stuck. the majority of my car was in the street and the very key last two tires were stuck in the plow pile.

no stinkin' way. i tried to push with my feet. no budge. i popped my trunk and grabbed my shovel. i dug out all the snow from underneath my car. no budge. i'm sure my neighbors, if they had been watching thought i'd gone mad, as i laughed my way around the car. the tears, they were starting to come. you know those tears that you can't keep in? from deep withing? the ones that only come when something is so incredibly funny? those were the ones joining me as i finally got my tires to move.

and thus my monday started.

church.

2007-02-25T14:03:00.000-06:00

i was tired. and the snow was coming down hard. i made the decision last night to not drive all the way in to church. i decided to church a little closer to home.

and so, i met this morning at an hour much earlier than usual, had a little breakfast, put on my snowpants, filled my water bottle, grabbed my favorite hat and headed out the front door with my snowshoes at my side. oh, glorious morning! the sun was not yet up, and the plows had not come through. with what appeared to be a few feet of snow, i was looking out at a vast wonderland, an oasis to this snowshoer who has been wandering the snowless desert for almost five years. emotion welled up. my God is good to me.

the treck to ney park took about an hour, but the exhausting journey was worth it. there is nothing like breaking new snow. i was surrounded by nothing more than trees, squirrels, birds and the sound of a silent morning. it took me two hours to wind my way around the shortest trail. i stopped often, i listened much. my eyes could not see enough.

my heart was full. it's been a long time since i've spent this much time with God.

there comes a time.

2007-02-21T16:18:00.000-06:00

are you waiting with baited breath? you should be.

the absence here in blogworld has been intentional. not because i'm trying to increase your anticipation, but because i've been really busy. with my new website. it's going to be good. at least it had better be. if it's not, all this time's been wasted and that's no way to live life.

this summer, i made some hefty decisions regarding my photography. i had been coasting along on my laurels for quite some time, so when i hit a bit of a drought this summer, i realized that i needed to figure some things out.

and this is what i know:

i have been given a gift and i need to use it. not only because it's been given to me, but because as a person, i am not whole when i walk away from it.

i want to use my gift to help people. foster kids and terminally ill children. there are outlets for me to do this, i just need the resources to make it happen.

in order to work with these organizations, i need to stop losing money with my photography. i need to make some money (crazy... who would have thought that this would ever be a resolution when making decisions about your business. dumb.)

i have limited time. i need to use it well. much better than i have been known to do. i need to get organized.

and above all else, i need to not prostitute my craft. i need to keep the passion and the joy in every aspect. and when it starts to wane, i need to figure out why and fix it. because when there is no more joy, it does nothing but drag me down and it shows. in my energy levels, my images, my life.

in and amongst these things i know, came the realization that i was going to have to cave and get a website. i had to get over the fear of what that meant and just get it done.

and six months later, it's finally happening.

i'll keep you posted.

dead skunk.

2007-02-15T18:41:00.000-06:00

i totally hit a dead skunk last night on my way home. there it was, lying near the middle of the lane, stinkin up the street. and i saw it half a second before i heard it under the tire. and now there's a faint odor as you stand by the driver's door.

how do you get rid of something like that?

change.

2007-02-13T20:15:00.000-06:00

do you ever just need change?

i like routine, i thrive on it, it comforts me. but sometimes, i need to shake things up. and because it's really scary and hard to make big changes, i try to find relief in little ones. i move my silverware tray to the right side of the drawer, instead of the left. i put raspberry-scented soap on the kitchen sink instead of vanilla. i move the blanket basket from one end of the couch to the other. i put the green sheets on the bed instead of the tan. i put up a new picture, i switch a few of the books around on my shelf, i wear a pair of shoes i haven't worn in a while. i listen to an old cd that's been buried in a pile instead of making any kind of major adjustment.

sometimes, it gnaws at me that bigger changes ought to happen. that i should make decisions that will change my life.

and sometimes, the little changes are enough. sometimes, having to reach a little farther to get a spoon makes all the difference in the world.

clementine.

2007-02-05T16:01:00.000-06:00

i like how the peel of a clementine separates itself from the fruit. it's different. other fruits don't do that. i like it. it's part of what makes it so easy to eat so many.

i had no idea.

2007-01-30T18:24:00.000-06:00

do you know how hard it is to pick out a toilet?

i didn't know. i had no idea how stressed out i would get about it. i wasn't aware there were so many things to consider. it seemed such a simple thing. just go to the store, put one in your cart and pay for it. i thought it would be so easy.

instead, i spent about an hour with my dad looking at them all. confused by terms like flapperless and what a different tank size mattered. two advertised being able to flush 150 feet of toilet paper without clogging. who uses that much toilet paper??? i couldn't remember whether i had a short toilet or a tall one. a few claimed they had some type of anti-bacterial coating, which honestly wouldn't matter because it wouldn't make me clean it less, and others used less water and had jets. seriously. what's this world coming to? it's a toilet, for pete's sake.

all i cared about was that it had a flat tank cover so the candles wouldn't tip.

at any rate, i didn't get one. my dad said, that's fine. you don't have to get one tonight. go home and think about it.

like it's some kind of major life decision you don't want to mess up. crazy.

chipped porcelain.

2007-01-29T14:52:00.000-06:00

oh my word. be prepared to share in the excitement. you won't be able to contain yourselves. your stomach will be all aflutter. you won't be able to sit still. you will drool with envy.

hold off the green-eyed beast, friends. tonight is it, it's the night to end all nights.

tonight, i'm going to pick out a toilet.

yes, i know. my life is good.

things that should have been #14.

2007-01-22T16:28:00.000-06:00

did you know that turning the cigarette lighter in my new car does not adjust the volume on the radio? i'm sure you did. i know that. and yet, sometimes, when i'm driving down the road, and i like a song, or am finished listening to a good song, i reach down and turn it.

i'm pretty sure it wasn't a high priority focus group issue.

but it should have been.

greasy hair & dial tones.

2007-01-10T14:56:00.000-06:00

in the groggy early morning hours of today, i stood in front of my mirror. my body was tired, my mind ran over the conversations and happenings of tuesday. (i still can't believe my phone was off the hook for an entire week. dumb.) i thought about what i might wear today, wishing i had done laundry last night until i realized i still had one pair of clean jeans. it's so much easier when i can wear skirts... i have so many and they don't have to get washed as frequently, but there's something about wearing a skirt to the chiropractor that doesn't bode well. i brushed my teeth, i cleaned my ears. i looked at the list of things to do on my mirror and thought about how terrible it was that the list hadn't changed in over a week. and then i picked up my hairbrush.

huh. my hair looks kind of greasy. was i supposed to shower last night? shoot, when was the last time i showered? oh, man, i was supposed to shower last night. do i have time? can i make it without? maybe if i pull my hair back and put it in a tight bun. no, that still looks bad. oh, man. the chiro should not have to put his hands on this head. maybe i can just wash my hair in the sink. yeah, i could, but that's more of a hassle than it's worth when your hair gets stuck in the drain. i'm going to have to shower.

and that is how i happened to be late for work this morning.

oh, life.

2007-01-09T15:08:00.000-06:00

i think my phone is off the hook.

i haven't received any calls since the 1st and my grandma keeps getting a busy signal. i felt a little unloved this morning when i checked the caller id to see if anyone had called and no one had.

so i'm hoping my other phone is off the hook and that's as complicated as the problem gets. it's easy to miss the other phone... it's snuggled between the wall and chair in the livingroom and covered by the curtain. even still, kind of sad that it took me a whole week to figure out that it's not working.

i need to be home more.

oh, sweet sam.

2007-01-05T15:22:00.000-06:00

my nephew loves the phone. if it rings, he runs to it. and if it's not ringing, he wants to be playing with it. and he loves to talk on it. the only problem is that he doesn't have a lot of words yet. and most of them sound like yah. which sounds the closest to yeah, which, of course, translates to yes. in my questioning, i try to accommodate, but sometimes i forget. it's hard to keep coming up with yes questions for a lad his size.

so when he called me this morning at work (or rather, my mom called and handed him the phone), our conversation went something like this:

hey, sam!
hi.
how are you?
yah.
are you playing with grandma?
yah.
what are you playing with?
yah.
oh. are you playing with trucks?
yah.
are you feeling better? (he's been out for the count with pneumonia... all together now... ahhh.)
yah.
well, that's good.
yah.

and on and on, until grandma tells him to say good-bye. which he refuses by not saying anything at all. i say, bye-bye, sam. he says nothing. perhaps if i make no noise, they'll forget i'm still on the phone. a minute later, i am able to coax a bye out of him and he's off and running.

i like it when he calls.

things you should know.

2007-01-04T18:52:00.000-06:00

1. i had a few drafts hanging out, so i closed them up and posted them. all from last month, so you don't have to look far. just didn't want you to miss them.

2. my brother, bob, and his wife nicky, lost their baby again on the first. this one's a little tougher (not that any miscarriage is ever easy), because she was farther along and he'd been named. isaiah robert. (his initials are irs, so nicky used to joke that he was daddy's little nightmare... :) ). they could use some prayers, if you think of it. they have the tendancy to internalize and become "fine" rather quickly.

3. my youngest brother, ben, is getting married next month to tabitha. not sure how much i've mentioned her, if at all, but in the beginning, i was not so keen on the relationship. and at some point i quit having the desire and energy to not support it. so now, i'm fine with it. i like it. my brother has grown up so much in this last year. i liked him oodles before, but who he's become and becoming is awesome.

4. i almost quit my job this past fall. we had a bit of a rough patch and i was fairly stressed. this, my friends, is the reason i have not been such a frequent poster. as things have healed, and the crazy, never-ending fall has ended, we should find ourselves back on track.

5. i don't really like my new car. i miss sophie. there's no character to the new car.

6. i think, and i feel pretty sure about it, that i will get to snowshoe this winter. cross your fingers. i miss those snowshoes.

7. i'm tired, and i'm sick, but i like today.

warn your children.

2007-01-02T11:22:00.000-06:00

so i'm sick. i'm knocked out with some blasted cold. i spent my weekend with it (it was fairly well-tempered, but not nearly as much fun as snowshoeing would have been yesterday in all our fluffy new snow!) and am quite ready to be done.

but i wanted to let you know that my tongue is bleeding. don't be alarmed. it's not gushing. if it were, i would likely not be at work blogging. i'd be at the hospital blogging.

why, julie? why is your tongue bleeding?

well. i fell asleep with a cough drop in my mouth. and moments later, i was rudely awakened by what felt like a needle stuck in my tongue. but it wasn't a needle. it was the final shard of a ricola.

yes, only me.

i've been stabbed by a cough drop.

overwhelmed.

2006-12-29T11:58:00.000-06:00

you know you're tired when all you do in your dreams is sleep.

:)

merry christmas to me.

2006-12-29T11:35:00.000-06:00

i am certain that when my family decided to draw names for christmas gifts this year, mine was the dreaded name. there is this belief that i am really difficult to buy for. and it's a belief you all should hold. if you know anything of dr. chapman's love languages, you'll know what i mean when i say that gifts is not even on the radar for me. i don't need gifts. especially bad gifts. it's the rare person who can go out on their own and come up with a gift that really means something to me. i'm so particular about things that unless you know me really well, it's virtually impossible to guess what i would like.

but i know this. i know i'm hard to shop for. and that's why i provide the list. i spend quite a bit of time working on the list. i include items of various types and prices, so as to give lots of options. if it's a book, i include the isbn so the right book is purchased. and after all items, i include at least two options for ways to purchase. so i put a store or two it can be found at and a website. i make it very easy to find something to give me.

and every year, i might get one thing off the list. i'll get books, but not the ones from the list. so someone was at the bookstore, and decided that instead of the books i said i'd like, i would like this other one better.

i'd rather not even get any gifts. i'd rather someone said, hey, let's just go get some coffee or take in a movie. i'd rather they looked at the list.

this year, my mom did really well. she hadn't drawn my name, but my parents got all the kids something anyway. so i got a few things off the list. it was great. it felt like i had been noticed, as sad as that seems. my family always means well and i take that into account, but the gift part of christmas is never something i look forward to. (although, on the other hand, the enjoyment i get from giving gifts far outweighs the receiving of them.) it's not that i'm ungrateful. really. it's that i've been trying for years to get people to realize how little physical gifts means to me. and how much more i would rather get gifts of time with people.

and so last night, i decided to gift myself. i had some time to kill and i had a little extra cash, so i bought myself some things i maybe wanted but didn't need. i got a new hat, a neck gaiter (much like a scarf), a water bottle, a book and a movie. all things i'm excited about. i know myself so well.

i didn't even need a list.

where i'm at.

2006-12-27T15:16:00.000-06:00

it's an interesting thing to look at yourself and know that you aren't the same today as you were yesterday. and to feel that the person you have become is less of the person you want to be than you were before.

this is where i'm at.

i'm a little banged up. i have spent the last two weeks being incredibly crabby and short-tempered. i have had to apologize to so many so much. my processing time, which has been painfully pokey, is slowly getting back to normal. i don't sleep well and i feel the muscles and joints that are off. and i'm a nervous driver, something i've never had to deal with.

outwardly, there are signs of me having smacked my head on a telephone pole. i think this has added to my impatience with myself. i don't like playing the part of the invalid. i don't like being the one who isn't as quick as she should be. i know this is temporary, but it seems like it couldn't possibly take any longer to get back to normal. i will spend a considerable amount of time this next month and a half with my chiropractor.

so that is my update. that is how i'm faring. i am fine. i have been better, but i could be a lot worse.

here she is.

2006-12-27T11:28:00.000-06:00

just hand over the blue hair now.

2006-12-12T17:35:00.000-06:00

so you know that person that drives so slow in the far right lane that you curse at as you zoom past them? that you wonder what's wrong with them?

yeah, that was me this morning. emotionally, i had the hardest commute i have ever had. i constantly felt that the car was sliding and at every curve i had to brace myself. the bigger curves? i was near tears. i have never been a nervous driver, but this morning, i have never been so scared. on the back roads, the same ones i drove yesterday morning, my knuckles were white as i crept along at grandma speeds. i do not think i will take them tomorrow.

something to blog about.

2006-12-11T20:28:00.000-06:00

i'm not good at meeting new people. i've become accustomed to my small world and am quite content to not expand it tremendously. but this morning, as i set out on my journey to work, i thought i should work on it a little harder. and as i don't know any telephone poles at all, i decided to meet one. well, rather, it decided to meet me. we met rather intimately and while it tried hug me, i wasn't as interested in moving so fast. (i am, after all, new to this whole thing) so we just bumped heads and called it good. what i didn't know, was that i ought to have consulted my car before getting to know telephone poles, so that she could don her rubber suit or her armor (i'm not sure which she would have preferred). so, sophie and i have split for the time being, her needing to get fixed more than i do and i'm praying that we will soon be united. because i miss my dear sophie. she's treated me well these last few years and now i have treated her so ill.

my head wished to be consulted as well, it turns out, as i've had a headache all day that tells me that the noggin, she's not happy either. but all is as well as it can be, and shall certainly work itself out in time, i just have no idea what that looks like right at this moment.

ash.

2006-11-30T11:53:00.001-06:00

after a much needed phone call with my friend, jill, i rounded the curves near the north end of maple lake, waited for my signal to return and dialed ash's number.

you've not ever heard of my friend ash, so let me tell you a little about him.

my last summer at camp was not one that introduced many lasting relationships with the summer staff. i spent most of my time with the family i'd created throughout the winter amongst the permanent staff. i lived at camp. i wasn't just there for the summer. that alone put me on a different schedule.

but one day, i sat next to this guy who was allowed to hang around on the weekends because going home meant driving to texas and that didn't really fit into a two day weekend. i kind of knew him, had ridden with him and others to church on sunday and watched a movie or two with him. but that thursday, after asking all my friends to go with me to madison for joel & nicole's wedding on saturday, i sat down on the front porch of the dining hall. minutes later, ash garza sat next to me. and on a whim, after having given up on going, i asked him, what are you doing this weekend? do you want to go to a wedding with me? his answer made me think he was mocking me because i had never met a guy that loved weddings, but he swore he did. so we made a plan and early saturday morning, we set off.

what a fantastic ride that was. perhaps my favorite ever. this guy, who had made waves at camp by bringing his texas gentlemanly manners with him, turned out to be this incredibly real and funny guy. bumps in the day were never worthy enough to incur a rise in blood temperature or frustration. on the way down, i commented on the sorry state of his windshield wipers, to which he replied, well it doesn't rain in texas. and, he mentioned, they didn't work anyway. it became really funny when it poured 80% of the 6 hr ride back to motley.

we laughed. we talked. he introduced me to "real" country. we came away with inside jokes and a friendship i think i'll always cherish.

after all was said and done that summer, life got rough for me. and i remember ash that fall. i remember him being so stinking loyal. and he was super goofy. he and rudy together meant an endless bout of laughter. and when he went off to iraq that winter, i missed him like crazy. it's not every day you meet up with someone so real. so genuine.

we have kept in very loose contact these last few years, but i cherish even that. tonight when i called though, i didn't get ash. i got some guy whose name i think is purdy bows. which is funny. and i'm certain cannot be right. i didn't want to offend him, so i only asked once. but he knows ash and was going to give my number to ash's mama. and that's who i wait for. because it's been incredibly too long since i've talked to him.

cold & crazy.

2006-11-16T14:51:00.000-06:00

this morning found me at 4:15. i joined it at 4:30 and after a leisurely half hour, made my way to the target here in maple grove.

i liked driving so early in the morning. there were so few cars and the stars were out and the air was so crisp. it's been a long time. i miss it.

5:30 found me as the 11th in line to get the cities 97 sampler. brother ben asks for this every year for his birthday and i, his loving sister, stand in line to ensure i get one for him. this year, i went a bit earlier than usual, in an attempt to miss a bit less work. and i met three people i hope to see there again next year when i roll out of bed at 4:30 to join them. susie, julie & al helped the two and a half hours fly by like it was an hour. we held each other's spots while we made runs to mcdonald's for breakfast sandwiches & coffee. al offered me his boots when my shoes were proving to be ill chosen. i didn't take him up on it, but i was pretty grateful for the offer. these were definitely people i want to see again. even if it's not until next november.

you're crazy, julie, you say. well, perhaps. but consider this:

right behind me in line slept six people in various sleeping bags and tents that were waiting for the play station 3 coming out tomorrow. they've been there since early last night. one guy paid another guy $200 for the coveted and final sixth spot.

see, i'm not so crazy.

geek day.

2006-11-14T11:50:00.000-06:00

today is a good day. i didn't know it was going to be such a good day, but it is. see, today, i get to run my numbers for the database. i get to figure out percentages and averages and it makes me so happy. if only everyone could be so excited about their work like i am today. and it's on days like this that i truly realize how much of a geek i am.

it's a good day.

beyond our doors.

2006-11-09T16:14:00.000-06:00

you know i've been busy, but i haven't really been specific about what's keeping me busy. well, one of the projects i've been working on is a photography gallery focusing on north minneapolis and africa. i, of course, have only been working on the north minneapolis ones, which i've been doing with scott madison, who is an incredibly talented guy. the africa guy is another amazing photographer named terry eiswald.

i'd like to invite you all to come to the opening, which is this saturday (the 11th) at 6:30. it's in the gallery at church of the open door. there'll be food and music (a pegtog reunion which you won't want to miss) and photographs. and i'll be there. which for some, just may be the reason they come! ;)

let me know if you need directions or have any other questions.

life.

2006-11-06T08:52:00.000-06:00

this morning, i detest my 9 to 5.

i stepped out my back door into a fantastic fall morning. it was quiet, save for the occasional bird. the ground was wet, the air damp, but merely cool. and it smelled of fall. early morning wet fall.

and i'm saddened that i could not make a cup of tea and be a part of that morning. because i was made for that so much more than this.

regurgitation.

2006-11-03T10:07:00.000-06:00

as i continue to be busy well past my normal busy season, i keep thinking it would be nice to have an assistant. not necessarily to help me with the photography end of things, but to run errands and wash the dishes. pass out halloween candy, get my oil changed. and blog my funny thoughts.

which, really, would be quite the assistant. because not only would she (or he... i would certainly not mind a he) have to be really organized and meticulous about cleaning and folding my socks, she would need to be witty and clever, know what was in my head and regurgitate my thoughts into something worth reading. something to make you laugh. or cry. or whatever. (because i'm all about the whatever, you know)

and she'd have to do it all for free, because i don't have room in my budget to pay an assistant. like i said, quite the assistant.

and on a complete tangent, i'd like you to know that i'm pretty sure this is the very first time i have ever written or typed the word regurgitate.

it's all in the little things, friends. all in the little things.

and so the mind goes.

2006-10-26T14:27:00.000-05:00

well, i've been a little busy. coming into this fall, i wasn't expecting to do that many sessions, but i've found myself in the midst of my craziest fall ever.

and i think i'm starting to lose my mind.

on tuesday night, i made a lab run and met a friend for dinner before heading over to saver's to see about a costume for ashley's party on friday night. though i searched half-heartedly at eye-level, i found nothing i could get creative with, so i headed home.

after the drive from bloomington, i pulled up to the stoplight in maple lake and stopped at the red light. the semi that had been ahead of me was turning right, i was going straight. the semi stopped, looked both ways and drove off. i looked both ways, and seeing no cars, drove across the intersection.

about half-way through, i realized that i had not been sitting at a stop sign, but a stoplight and that light had not turned green.

and then this morning, on my way to work, i exited the interstate, only to sit in the right turn lane, waiting for the light to turn green.

it seems i have forgotten how stoplights work.

lawrence & ashley. engagement.

2006-10-19T10:53:00.000-05:00

to the left.

2006-10-19T08:29:00.000-05:00

i've got this car, she's pretty old. you know that. things fall apart on old cars. things get rusty, they wear out.

i've needed a front end alignment for some time now. like two years. i just have never gotten around to it. i've been going through tires like they're free, but no time to get an alignment. until yesterday. i made myself call the place near work, found someone to follow me there to bring me back to work and went. i asked for the alignment and two new front tires.

i got a call mid-afternoon.

ma'am, there are two issues we've discovered.

one apparently is critical and must be dealt with as soon as possible. the other was labeled as 'really important' and also cost three times the amount of the critical issue. for those who know cars, the critial was a tie rod and the really important was a bearing. since i know a few people who know cars, i opted out of the bearing fix and gave them permission to fix the tie rod.

dear julia dropped me off after work to pick it up, i paid for it and went on my way.

huh. it still seems to be veering. a lot. since i admittedly do not choose to remember things about cars, i called my dad, thinking that maybe i don't really know what an alignment does. he verified that no, it should not be veering and so i drove back. back to the place i did not have time to go back to.

and when i told the guy behind the counter, he didn't even seem surprised. just asked me when i wanted to get it fixed.

when do i want to get it fixed? yeah. that was today. when i made the appointment.

my brain had lots of things to say rather tersely but i told him tuesday. sigh.

charli. 3 days.

2006-10-18T11:07:00.000-05:00

this is my new little (second) cousin. we had pretty limited light, so the session was short, but long enough to get these sweet moments from one of her first days.

chili.

2006-10-16T16:05:00.000-05:00

i want you all to know that last week, i ate chili. twice.

those who have known me forever know that this is unheard of. i hated chili. this was the one meal my mother let me out of without asking questions. there was automatically something else for me on my plate those winter nights my family devoured an entire batch of the bean-ridden concoction. i did not like beans in soup.

but last week, i went to the dunn bros in buffalo to do some online stuff and went for the chicken muffin man soup that was available. what the heck is chicken muffin man soup, i asked. oh, it's just chicken and beans. it's a little spicy. oh. well, that sounds great, i'll take it. (it should be mentioned that it sounded great because now, i do like beans in soup, but not chili.)

i have to admit when she handed me the bowl, i was pretty skeptical, but i could hardly hand it back and demand something different because she failed to mention that it was chili.

and i was hungry. so i ate it. and i liked it.

so then, when my friend kristi and i went to potbelly on wednesday to catch up, at the last minute, i switched my soup order from black bean to chili.

brave. really brave.

i ate it. i liked it.

change is good.

look.

2006-10-13T15:56:00.000-05:00

look what we got! this first one here... that was my visibility at one point driving home. and then the second is what i was greeted with at home. i have mulitiple things running through my brain.

#1. oh crap.

this is due to the fact that i still have a few fall shoots to do this season. fall shoots are hard when it starts to snow like this.

#2. YES!

this is due to the fact that i know it's too early for this to last and it will go away soon. it makes it easier to enjoy this oddball snowfall. i love snow. i'm not quite ready for winter, but i love snow... so last night was fun.

and the other fun part of last night was that this is

what i paid for gas. i had to wait in line to get it, but it was fantastic to fill up for twenty-five dollars again.

one has to love the little things.

spoiled.

2006-10-06T15:51:00.000-05:00

there are things in life that we can choose to do or not and things that we simply don't have a choice about. and those things we can choose to do or not, are either things that are just that or things that though we have a choice, we really ought to do. like showering.

now, i recognize that i have a choice about showering. i can take them. or i can not take them. but i also recognize that my decision bears weight. has consequence. for instance, the other night i showered after running. (which, by the way, is another blog, i think.) the next day, at lunch, joel says to me, you smell fresh, julie. and though a bit on the odd side, it's still a nice thing to hear.

on the other hand, a decision to not shower very well may be a decision to have less friends. or to create the need for a new job (i'm not sure if it applies here, but i've had jobs before that state regular showering as a requirement for employment... ). there really has never been a major point of decision for me. it's just something that i do. i have, however, made a decision that i only have to shower every other day, unless i get dirty on the off day. i just plan accordingly.

but i hate showering. though i love the benefits, i hate the action. often, in the moment of realizing it's a shower night, i get mad. last night, after having had a wonderful evening sitting on my porch, editing pictures and watching grey's anatomy, i was sleepy and ready for bed. upon entering the bathroom, i realized that it was a shower night. i stomped my foot. i made an arghh noise. i felt a little anger.

i don't like to take them. i get wet. and when you're wet, my house feels a lot colder. and my head gets really cold, which makes it harder to fall asleep. but showering in the morning is simply not an option. my water doesn't actually have any warmth to it until about nine. and at nine, i've already been away from home for two hours. which makes it hard to shower at nine.

it's just the realization that at no point will i get to stop showering. i will have to shower until i die. it's not like a job, which you can leave and get another one. it's not like where you live. chances are i will move. more than once. but no matter what house i live in, i will shower. and i will brush my teeth at least twice a day. and i will have to eat. and sleep. and pay the bills.

huh. my life sure is tough.

no help available.

2006-10-03T16:17:00.000-05:00

i downloaded the beta version of adobe lightroom and have been poking around in it for a few days. so far, i like it, but the other night, i was trying to figure something out and couldn't, so i went to the help menu and selected lightroom help.

no help is available for lightroom.

i found this rather sad. no help is available. i find myself grateful that in life, help is available.

i also wondered why lightroom help was even an option if it wasn't available. that, i found funny.

life as i knew it.

2006-10-02T13:38:00.000-05:00

when i was young, when the days were long and the garden had time to grow, my mother hung the sheets on the line to dry. and as the scent of soap and summer breeze mingled together, i would walk underneath them, running my hand along the cool dampness of the drying sheet, taking myself away from the world outside, with its troubles and worries. hours were spent underneath the sheets, reading books and taking naps, listening to the birds sing and the wind play with the leaves. the grass was cool beneath my legs, the sun filtered on my face.

heaven was found there.

and in my days now, when i'm too busy to see the flowers bloom and my mother no longer hangs the sheets out to dry, if i find the time, i miss the simplicity of my childhood.

chance encounter.

2006-09-29T21:33:00.000-05:00

tonight, i met a girl named taylor. i had stopped off at the bookstore to pick up a book i had ordered and couldn't help but spend some time wandering through the shelves. tonight, i found myself in the children's section, looking for books i loved as a kid. i looked for robert munsch. i looked for oscar wilde. i looked for those alexander books, but i couldn't remember who wrote them. i overheard this conversation near the beginning of my time in the section:

smart little girl: um, ma'am? i hate to interrupt you again, but. oh. how old is she?
mom of girl being inquired about: she's six.
slg: what grade is she in?
mogbia: she's in first grade.
slg: well, when she's a little older, i really think she would like these books right here.
mogbia: okay, i'll remember that. thank you.

later, as i was looking at audrey woods' books, i heard this conversation:

slg: i really like your dress.
gbia: thanks. i really like your hair.

and later, as i was thinking about actually purchasing because of winn dixie (a fantastic little tale i have yet to own), she came up to me and asked:

slg: where did you get your purse?
me: my mom brought it back for me from indonesia.
slg: it's really pretty. i like it. (told you she was smart!)

i continued looking at books, as this sweet little girl walked behind me and around to the other side, casually touching a book or two.

slg: soo, what's your favorite series?
me: oohhh, i don't really have one. i just read a lot, you know?
slg: yeah, i totally do. you know, you just read and read and read and can't get enough.
me: exactly.
slg: are you going to get any books?
me: yeah, actually, i'm getting this book right here... it's called enna burning. it's the sequel to shannon hale's first book, the goose girl. have you ever read them?
slg: no.
me: actually, she wrote this book, too. (i'm pointing to the princess academy, of course)
slg: oh! that book was in our book order and my friend got it. that's why i knew the name! it said it was a tale of a girl who wasn't a princess but went to the princess academy. and she was trying to prove she was just as good as the princesses! (yes. she really did reverberate what likely was the description scholastic had in it's book order. i told you she was smart.)
me: she's good. and this book right here is a great one, too. (pointing to ida b.)
slg: oh, i have that one! i just got it.
me: i have it, too. and this author is great. (pointing to kate dicamillo's books) the miraculous adventures of edward tulane. because of winn dixie.
slg: i love that book. i have it. i also have the movie.
me: oh, i didn't see the movie. is it good?
slg: you know how when they make a movie that was a book and it's not anything like the book and it's not any good? well, this was, i think, the best movie like that.
me: so it stayed pretty true to the book?
slg: yep. it's good.
me: well, that's good. i don't like it when they wreck a good book.
slg: yeah.

at this point, i have settled into leaning against the shelf behind us, enjoying every moment of this conversation. any piece of me that felt rushed before was gone. i was praying it would go on. and it did.

slg: how old are you?
me: 28.
slg: ! (if there was a facial expression tied to the exclamation point, she made it)
me: how old are you?
slg: nine.
me: that's a good age.
slg: what's your name?
me: julie. what's yours?
slg: taylor.
me: that's a great name. i know a little girl named taylor, but she has short red hair.

pause.

taylor: maybe this is too personal of a question, but, ... do you have a husband?
me: (in a chuckly sort of way) no. i don't have a husband. do you?
taylor: (in a chuckly sort of way) no.
me: well that's good. you don't need husbands when you're nine. you don't need husbands when you're 28. who has time, with all the books in the world?
taylor: yeah. first, people go high school and maybe they have boyfriends. and then they maybe have some in college, but they just sort of let them go. then, a good time to get married is, maybe in your early thirties. and then you can start to have kids.
me: that's very possibly a good plan. it's a good thing you can get married whenever you want, huh?
taylor: yeah. when i grow up, i want to be (checking these things off on her fingers) a zoo vet, a regular vet and work at an animal shelter.
me: so you like animals?
taylor: oh, (slightly embarrassed) and a librarian. but people will have to leave me alone because i just want to read the books.
me: oh, you have to want to help people when you're a librarian. but i'm sure there'll be down times.
taylor: well, there won't be any books for them to read because i'm going to read them all first.
me: well, then you can speak intelligently about them when people have questions. that's a good plan.
taylor: yeah.

and then, we talked about how often she came, where she lived (she gave me a walking tour of the subway system to get back to her house. twice. though, i hadn't realized maple grove had a subway system. but she's only four stoplights away from the bookstore, at any rate.) i kept waiting for her to let on where her parents were, but she never did. she just touched the spines of books and captured my heart.

see, i think we are one in the same, this dear little girl with big dreams. i know why she touches the spines of books. i know how words consume her soul. i know her hunger. for i was her. and though it doesn't always show, i still am.

bad picture friday.

2006-09-29T08:20:00.000-05:00

hmm. last weekend, i went to my 10 year class reunion. i hate this kind of thing. the crowds. having to talk to people i don't really know. the loud music. the late night. i'm pretty sure i could have had a heck of a lot of fun if i'd just stayed home.

don't get me wrong... it was nice to see some people, but these things are really hard for me. too much outside my comfort zone. in a crowd without a purpose. it's akin to a living hell.

here, you see me having just been talking to my old friend bronwyn. and being as anxious as i was pretty much the entire night, i seem to be checking the hardness of my fingernails with my teeth. i wasn't chewing... that, my friends, is disgusting. most likely i was tapping my teeth with my nails. nervous tick, you know?

so anyway, welcome to friday.

good thing.

2006-09-26T15:54:00.000-05:00

i'd like you to know that i received my applecare protection plan via fedex this afternoon. i can't get the box open without tremendous effort, so i don't know precisely what's inside yet.

and that's okay.

because, friends, i don't even have the computer it's supposed to be protecting.

oops.

2006-09-21T16:27:00.000-05:00

by the way, i posted on the goya blog last week. forgot to let you know. man, i really stink at some things.

learning french.

2006-09-21T15:04:00.000-05:00

yesterday, as i was killing time between work and a meeting, i found myself in a decision to brush up on my french. so i bought some cds, thinking i would make use of my commute. i put the first cd in right after the meeting to start lesson 1.

lesson one contained a conversation i'm betting i will never have. and even if i did have it, my responses would be entirely different. because i'm not an architect and i wasn't born in bordeaux. but that's okay. i got a few basics down and while i wouldn't be able to have what one would call an intelligent conversation, i could speak like i knew what i was doing.

and on to lesson 2. the setup was the same as lesson one... someone is approached by a market researcher and asked questions. again, i learned a conversation that i will never have, since i still wasn't born in bordeaux, i do not live in a small apartment and i am not a civil servant. i still would not be able to have an actual conversation, but hey, it's only lesson two.

but this is what i do know:

i know how to be rude in french. see, both individuals rather rudely interrupted the "market researcher" to end the conversation. i do not have time. i have to go. they're both too hurried to answer a few questions.

so if i can muster it, i can be rude, should i ever find myself in france.

which, according to stereotypes, would help me fit right in. these cds, they're really good. it's only lesson two and i have already learned the essence of stereotypical frenchness.

i am not a tiger.

2006-09-20T08:44:00.000-05:00

so monday, i golfed for the first time. real golf. not the mini kind. our staff gets a free day at the elm creek, so this year, i decided to go. i felt like not working for a change. the day was cold. it was raining. there was a bit of wind. i wore my new scarf and mittens. less than half the people signed up showed. and i had an awesome time. i'm glad it wasn't sunny. i'm glad no one came. i'm glad those who did come came. i'm glad it was free. i'm glad i had my mittens.

i'm wouldn't say i'm an up and coming golfer, but i did have a high point. it didn't last long, but i wailed on the ball a few times. that was super fun. after the high point, i explored a few low points, just to even things out. i swung at one ball at least five times, completely missing the dumb thing. and i promise they weren't practice swings. because i didn't ever really get the point of the practice swings. or of watching of the imaginary ball you just pretended to hit. they say it's visual, but i envisioned my ball doing a lot better than it actually did.

all in all, excellent good time.

other tired people #1.

2006-09-07T08:27:00.000-05:00

me at the dmv yesterday: i need to get a new license, i lost mine.

guy behind the counter: okay. (pulls out form) i need to see your driver's license.

apology #412.

2006-09-05T16:18:00.000-05:00

so last week, my commute was shortened considerably for two days. as a staff, we went on a retreat to do nothing more than waste time with God and with each other. the retreat center we go to each year is in buffalo, which is a whopping seven miles from my abode. and since we spend the night, i only had to drive it once. well, except for the time i sped home to get my running shoes (which i didn't end up using). and the time i ran home to get catchphrase. but even so, all three trips took me less time that one regular commute.

and then we had a wonderful long weekend for labor day, of which i was sick 80% of the time. and of course, because of all this time away, i've been busy lately. and before i knew it, a week had gone by and i hadn't blogged.

and this morning, it suddenly occurred to me that i had another blog. i had completely forgotten about the goya blog! and what i know about that, is that it was becoming harder and harder to find things to photograph that didn't look like something else i'd photographed. i've had this idea that all my goya entries should be distinct and offer up something completely unique. which meant that since i'd already done a plants in the rain goya, i couldn't do it again. and i'm awfully busy right now, so i'm officially declaring a break, even though it's a bit late to be doing that. and when i just checked it out to see what my last goya was, i felt it slightly appropriate for the situation. but don't worry... goya's not dead. just resting in peace for a bit. when i do post again, i'll let you know on this blog.

and i've been so very bad at checking everyone else's blog and even worse at commenting. i'm certain i'll come out of this slump. i just know i will. i mean, come on, the red sox actually won the world series. if they can do it, so can i. only i promise i won't take so long coming out of the slump.

the sound of mud up my nose.

2006-08-28T09:48:00.000-05:00

it's moments like this that make me glad i don't work weekends.

the osseo school district has converged upon us and the sound is deafening. i cannot imagine trying to do what i do on the weekends during services. crazy.

but it benefits you. since i can't concentrate on my work, i am forced to blog.

saturday morning, my youngest brother, ben, met me at my house to go biking. we rode over to ney park to ride the route lori and i ran in the race. since i knew the route, he wanted me to lead, which was fine. the morning was foggy, the trails muddy. really muddy. we went up, we went down, we went up. a lot.

on the descent of one hill, ben coasted past me, which was fine. until he spit up a chunk of mud that amazingly made it's way into my nose. not just on my nose, or near my nose and some of it found it's way inside. no. just one solid chunk up my nostril. yes, he has been known for his aim, but seriously. that was ridiculous. the size and force of it was enough for my head to fly back and cry out.

lucky for me, i'm a planner. when i got to the top of the next hill, i stopped, reached into my pocket and pulled out a kleenex.

lucky for me.

mmm, ice cream.

2006-08-23T13:09:00.000-05:00

last night was our annual meeting. as staff at church, it's a required meeting. we go and listen to all the budget stuff and plans for programming that we've heard before. and usually one fights the sleep off. because, hey. it's the annual meeting.

but not last night. last night, they decided to have an ice cream social after the meeting. it went over really well and will likely become a tradition.

i didn't go to the meeting.

i got out of it because i plan ahead better than they do. michele, sandi and i were three of the four people excused from the meeting. because we had american idols to see. and our tickets were already purchased. the seats were decent, and the show was a lot of fun. fun enough to take over 600 pictures.

it was the best annual meeting i've ever had.

the race.

2006-08-22T13:22:00.000-05:00

25 8 W20 Julie Steiskal, 28* 1:20:15 12:55

so there it is. that's how i did. i ended up walking a lot. more than i probably needed to. and that's why i'll likely let my ankle heal, finish training and run another 10K before winter. and i think i'll find a flatter course. i couldn't believe how incredibly steep-hilled this route was. there was one hill, in fact, that was actually pretty impossible to run up. it was more of a climb. that, the holes in the ground from the horses, and the mud were enough to make a person never run again. and if i hadn't done so badly, i likely wouldn't have. but i will. if not this fall, next summer. i'm determined to have a better ending than this. it's that crazy competitive piece of me that drives me bonkers.

let me leave you with the bit of fortune i received with my lunch.

you will see the great pyramids in egypt.

isn't that great?

just a couple shoots.

2006-08-18T16:32:00.000-05:00

here are a few of the things that have been keeping me busy this summer...

like maggie...

and halle...

and now i'm off to carb up to run tomorrow. have a great weekend!

the julie.

2006-08-17T08:11:00.000-05:00

in general, i'm a planner. i like to know what's going to happen and i like to know it enough in advance to be prepared for it. take this weekend, for instance.

saturday morning, i will run this 10K. then, i've invited everybody over to my house afterwards for brunch. my mom is making the egg bake and cinnamon rolls, i am providing the fruit and drinks. my mom will assemble the egg bake at my house and put it in the oven just in time to make it to the race, after which, it will be done to perfection in perfect time. this week, i've been working on my list of things to do around the house. aside from my basic cleaning, the lawn needed to be mowed and the porch floor needs to be painted. i also need to have my dad bring over a picnic table to ensure that i have enough seating for everyone. and i need to keep my ankle on ice above my heart to help along the healing process so that i can actually run on saturday.

but the other half of the cocktail is a little different. it's the half that gives my life the kick. tuesday morning, i decided i was going to paint the porch floor since the weather would be good for it. i already had the paint, so all i had to do was go home, eat supper and paint it.

but i found myself way out of the way at home depot buying paint. and not porch paint.

at some point in my drive, i must have thought about spending more time laying on the couch, icing my ankle, in the livingroom with the paint that i hated. i really didn't like that paint. and in a decision that almost warrants a gold star, i picked out a color that i hadn't chosen a month before and left it's paint chip hang in the room so i could decide if i really like it at all times during the day. it was really scary.

and so, i found myself priming my walls on tuesday night with only one of the two cans of tinted, non-returnable primer the girl sold me and last night saw me painting my walls with only one of the two cans of non-returnable paint. and tonight will find me painting the front porch (barring rain, which is a serious possibility) and putting my livingroom back together.

and all of this because my personality can't decide if it wants to be anal or spontaneous. it's a bad cocktail of traits, it is. and so is my need for perfection and being unorganized. it's enough to make a person go nuts.

which would not taste good in a cocktail.

39:27.

2006-08-15T15:23:00.000-05:00

as part of our training, lori and i decided to run the hanover harvest festival 5K on august 5th. it was a little less distance than what we were meant to be running at that time, so we felt confident and it would give us a chance to get used to running together. and on top of that, we figured it would give us real race experience so we would know what to do when we got around to our 10K. you know, like that you're not supposed to pull off the tags on the bottom of your number or they won't have anything to identify you at the end of the race. i did that. but that was just the end.

lori and i planned to meet at 8 that fated saturday morning, so we could warm up together. i took a non-mapquested route, so i got there really early. i checked in, ate a banana, ripped the tags off my number and read all the literature they give you in your race bag. as it was creeping up on eight, i decided to switch from flip flops to my running shoes so i was ready when lori came.

huh. where are my shoes? seriously. where the flying flip are my shoes?

what ensued after this revelation, was a race home, attempting to make the 50 minute drive there and back to the hanover fire station happen in 35.

i didn't make it. it was more like 45, but only because i got stuck behind a sweet little old lady out for a morning drive going 45. and also, because it's really hard to drive that fast.

but i made it to hanover and as i was waiting at the stopsign, i saw lori go running by and we waved. having put my shoes on during the drive back, i hopped right out with my mp3 player and my number and started running. at the edge of the parking lot, this lady in a suburban obviously couldn't tell that i was already a bit late for the race stopped me to ask me where the end of the race was. when i told her the general direction, she asked for more clarification. so i just ran away after waving in the same general direction i had waved before. truth to be told, i had no idea where the end of the race was. i hadn't been there yet.

i had half expected lori to wait for me, since we were mostly running it to find our mutual pace. and because i would have waited. so i wanted to be sensitive to the fact that she'd already started, so i ran hard to catch up. up a hill. some guy at the first mile marker told me i was at 13 something. and since i started at least five minutes late, i ran the fastest mile i've ever run. and then i walked. because my body is not meant to run so fast and it was evident i had nothing to catch up to. i walked until i saw the 10 year old kid ahead of me. no way was the kid going to beat me. so i ran for a while more. and then i had to walk again. because i couldn't relax. it was always rushed. i would run for a while, then walk. then get mad that i hadn't gotten to sleep in and that i spent twenty bucks on a race i wasn't enjoying, so i'd run again. then i'd walk because i figured, what the heck? i don't care when i finish. and my ankle hurts. (i guess i didn't mention that i was running on a sprained ankle...) then the lady walking with her baby in a stroller starts to pass me, so i walk harder before giving in to running again. i finally finished to little fan fare, had the small mess with the tags and ate a few rolls.

mostly, the whole experience, while proving that the funny i had lost was hanging out on august 5th, made me determined to finish the 10K without walking.

so i quit running. i'm trying to let my ankle heal as much as possible before saturday morning. this is what i figure: i finished 106th in hanover. last year, there were 24 finishers in the maple lake race. i cannot do worse than i did in hanover.

missing the funny.

2006-07-28T13:52:00.000-05:00

i think i lost my funny. amy thought it might have fallen between the cushions of my couch, which of course is very possible being that a lot of things fall down there. i'm not exactly sure what funny looks like, though, so if i were to look for it, i'm wondering how i would know if i found it. i suppose it would be the one thing that i wasn't sure about.

it's not a good thing to lose your funny. i used to laugh a lot... people on the road did funny things. i did funny things. i thought of funny things. but i feel like noticing the funny took a vacation. and i want to apologize for that. i know my blogs have been sub-par as of late. you deserve better. i promise i'll try harder. but in the meantime, i have this:

all things golden. isn't it great timing that pirates of the caribbean is out right now? otherwise, you'd never find all gold m&m's. and the roses. they're nice. kathy and halle brought them the other day. they smell fantastic. my uncle brought the candy. they're almost all gone, because i've been sharing.

pinwheels.

2006-07-28T10:58:00.000-05:00

i'm working on a project that i'm having tons of fun with. maggie hanson's three year portraits are on the docket and they partly involve pinwheels. i have to tell you, i looked everywhere for pinwheels, to no avail. well, i looked at a couple of stores, but i finally decided i was going to have to make them to get what i wanted. martha stewart has been a big help in the process and i love what i've done so far. this is my favorite so far. one thing i've noticed, is that no one fails to be excited about pinwheels. everyone that has come in and seen them gets this look in their eye before asking what they're for. it's that harken back to childhood. simple things. pinwheels. summer days. baseball. lemonade. bike rides. frog catching. swimming. crickets.

i had no idea what i was getting into, but i've missed it.

this is what it looks like.

2006-07-26T10:22:00.000-05:00

where or where have i been? i've been working and editing and packing and scrapbooking and driving in my car (which you know i hate). but, i did take a moment out of my busy day on saturday to snap this picture for you guys of the paper i stocked up on before i left for my scrapbooking retreat in red wing. just in case you were wondering what $96 worth of paper looked like. now you know.

josh & lorrae.

2006-07-18T09:33:00.000-05:00

last weekend was a crazy weekend. one piece of that crazy weekend was my cousin's wedding up in brainerd. and it's been crazy ever since, so i haven't even had a chance to get the pictures off my camera. here are just a few i pulled out of the masses. oh, yeah... and that little guy in the second picture? that's my darling nephew, jack, who did such an awesome job!

day #2

2006-07-13T16:12:00.000-05:00

okay, i promise that not every post for the next six weeks will be about running. but today's is. mostly because it is vastly different than yesterday's post and about a key turning point for me.

on my way home from work, i stopped at the outlet mall to remedy a few issues i experienced on tuesday night. i stopped first and spent a hearty chunk of money on some shoes. then, at the next store, i found a tank top that promised to wick away moisture and keep me cool. and finally, i stopped and bought some running shorts. after the unfortunate incident with the non-breathing umbros, i felt this was a necessity.

then, i got home, ate some dinner and tried to work on some other things but found myself too antsy to concentrate. i put all my new running gear on and did some stretching while i watched a bit of tv. after what seemed like forever, 8:00 came and i headed out. jen's training schedule had lori and i add another set of 5 mins walking/5 mins running to our previous 2.

i kept expecting to feel like i did yesterday when i ran, especially since no matter where i go, i have to run up hills, but it never came. i paced myself a bit slower, and i think that helped, but actually, i think i owe most of my comfort to the shoes and the shorts. it sounds sort of stupid, but i thought i was going to keel over on tuesday night and i finished last night feeling like i could have kept going.

i have to say, this made me feel really good. tuesday, i was thinking, i cannot possibly run 6 miles and yesterday, it really felt like i could do it. which makes me more excited to keep going.

besides, i just plunked down almost a month's worth of groceries on running gear... that alone makes me want to keep going.

day #1.

2006-07-12T16:08:00.000-05:00

jen's training schedule required 20 minutes of motion last night. 5 minutes of walking, 5 minutes of running and repeat. the first walk was fine. after two minutes of running, my body started asking questions. what are we doing? we don't do this. why are my muscles moving this way? don't we hate this? having no good answers that wouldn't lead to stopping, i had to leave them hang in the air, unanswered.

five minutes of running doesn't sound that bad. i can bike for hours. i can swim for hours. i can weed my garden for hours. but at three and a half minutes into my first run, i looked down at my watch in shock that it had only been three and a half minutes. four minutes rolled around and i started staring at the seconds tick by, urging it to move faster. thirty seconds left. come on. finally, five minutes were up and i celebrated my own personal victory. i started walking back, hoping to walk fast enough not to have to run up the hill i had come down on the way. no such luck. it was, in fact, almost the first piece of pavement i had to run on. i got halfway up the hill and decided that it wouldn't be the end of the world to walk up the rest of the way. so i did. it took me a little bit to start running again, but i did. and then i stopped right as i got onto my street.

mostly, i didn't want my neighbors looking out their windows and muttering to their companion, 'what's wrong with her? is she okay? she sure looks funny.'

big news.

2006-07-11T16:04:00.000-05:00

those of you who have been around for a while know that i'm not a runner. i've tried. and while it is possible for me to do, albeit slowly, it's definitely not one of my strengths.

so why on earth would i decide to run in a race? i have no idea. the only thing that's appealing about it is the free t-shirt that says i'm a runner. but for whatever reason, i'm training for a 10K in august. my friend jen, of marathon fame was kind enough to write up a training schedule, so i feel fully prepared. except i have to buy a watch, since i have to run for specific amounts of time. and i might need new shoes. i don't know if mine qualify as running shoes. and i might need some better running clothes. but then i'm prepared.

i'm running with my friend, lori (of st. louis fame), who's a bit nervous. she was concerned about being the last person to finish, so i told her that if we were the last two, i'd let her cross the finish line first. (aaahhhh) oh, stop it. i figure that i'm not going to win it, so i have no concerns about where i'm going to place. i just want to finish. preferably before they start pulling the cones.

sweet little mckenzie.

2006-07-10T15:54:00.000-05:00

this is my goddaughter, mckenzie. she's sweet, right? she belongs to my cousin andrea and i sure like her.

i just wanted to show her off.

love, surgery and a bunny.

2006-07-07T13:29:00.000-05:00

last night was the big night. we've known it would come for some time now and the situation has steadily gotten worse.

the other day, in fact, halle said to me, 'julie. bunny's hole is getting bigger.' the worry in her voice broke my heart, so the date was set. the grafts had painstakingly been chosen... a purple lilac print for the tail, a pretty floral for the shoulder and a pink for the nose reconstruction.

i arrived last night and was informed that bunny (or bunte, as he is often known) was prepped and halle was prepared. i sat down to a quick, fantastic dinner and then gathered our tiny patient in my hands. halle was present for the surgery, as were kathy and maggie. maggie was a little worried that the needle hurt him and she was very sad for him to have to go through it at all, so i assured her he was under heavy, heavy anethesia. there were no complications to speak of and in less than an hour, little girl and bunny were reunited just in time for bed.

on the right, you can see a mid-surgery picture. we forgot to document the procedures at first, so we did a before of the nose. on the left, you get the after. this is completely post-surgery. one interesting thing to note is that the color of bunny's nose is really pretty close to the original color of his nose and just a shade darker than bunny's original color. do you see that? it's love. that's what it is. this bunny has been loved.

chuck roast, please.

2006-07-05T10:27:00.000-05:00

i have a beef. let me share it with you.

i pride myself on my favorites menu. it's used heavily and i frequently clean it out to make sure it is in excellent working order.

when i first moved into the menu, i deleted all the folders they had as presets. except one. because it wouldn't let me. to this day, it's empty. and it bugs me that it's still in there.

what folder you ask? the links folder.

this is a two-sided beef, by the way. beef number one is that i cannot delete it. who are they to think that i need it? i don't. why? what a wonderful lead-in to beef number two.

everything in my favorites is a link. isn't that what it's for? so a links folder is redundant and completely unnecessary. sure, i could put everything into the links folder, but it adds an extra step to get to the items i want to access quickly.

i tried renaming it once, thinking i could get rid of it that way... you know, call it blogs and use it to access reading material. i moved all the blogs over from the old folder and renamed it. and do you think it renamed it? you'd be silly if you did, because i started this paragraph off letting you know that i tried to rename it. all it did was create a new folder.

so there's my beef. it's small. it won't mess much with the tilt of the earth, but it sure brings up an awfully good point.

the hour before.

2006-07-03T14:28:00.000-05:00

this morning, i awoke to a cool breeze blowing on my face. as i drifted in and out of slumber for the next hour, i bundled my body in my quilt and moved so my face could feel the breeze. i could smell the rain coming and in between gusts, my face would get hot. in those moments, i moved closer to the window, hoping to catch the scent of the impending wetness and to feel the coolness again. i remember smiling. i remember thinking, i could stay here forever... i could have been in that moment for a lifetime. to feel what i felt and to be who i was. to have nothing more than the pleasure derived from a moment spent with God alone.

scrambling for pittance.

2006-06-30T15:46:00.000-05:00

esther came by my desk at about 11 this morning and we eventually got around to talking about gas. fuel, that is. it was mentioned in the conversation about the extreme low level of fuel that was currently residing in my beloved sophie and esther's vehicle, the certain possibility of gas rising above $3 this weekend and past instances of us kicking ourselves for not taking advantage of lower prices and the common practice of gas prices rising after noon. this prompted a spontaneous excursion to the nearby holiday station where esther had seen it for $2.85. as we traveled along dunkirk, the convoy song ran through my head. oddly, i had just heard it this morning on my way to work. you know, we've got a great big convoy, or something like that... we weren't really big, but we're sure great.

anyway, i was going to tell you just how much i saved by scrambling this morning, so i called the gas station to find out what unleaded fuel cost this afternoon. do you know what she said? of course you don't. but i'll tell you. because i think it's funny. she said, i can't tell you that over the phone. how odd. why do you suppose that is? i took it to mean she could tell me if were to go into the store, but why would i need to? i would have seen the price on my way in. maybe if i were blind that would be helpful. after some questioning, i found out she could tell me if it had gone up at all throughout the day. so now i can tell you how much i saved by running out during my morning break instead of waiting until after work. nothing. absolutely zilch.

life is good.

a bit of the random.

2006-06-29T11:03:00.000-05:00

well, my plan turned out to not be a solid one, as i didn't actually take a break yesterday. i simply forgot. i just kept working. briefly, somewhere in the middle of the afternoon, i thought about my resolution, but i guess i must have shrugged my shoulders and decided that june resolutions are worth about as much as new years ones. sorry. but here i am today, taking a break, ready to ramble.

this woman just called and when i said my obligatory 'church of the open door, how may i direct your call?' she seemed a bit taken aback. at a loss for words. when she found her words, she said, oh. you have such a nice voice. i laughed and said thanks, but she still seemed to have a hard time getting over her surprise. lovely lady.

i found my emmylou harris red dirt girl cd a few weeks ago. i'd oddly lent it to someone without the case. i'm still on the lookout for the jake armerding one, but i'm on the verge of just getting a new one.

speaking of jake, he emailed me a couple of weeks ago and apologized for slacking off on the email. his reason for doing so? 'something of a habit of taking off for Europe for a couple weeks.' oh. i rinse my dishes thoroughly after use, even if i'm going to wash them right away. i always put the toilet lid down before i flush. sometimes i chew on hangnails. and pen caps. i sing in the shower. traipsing off to europe? i didn't know i could have a habit like that. i like that one better than mine. anybody know where i can trade these things in?

my gardens are doing great, for the most part. i think the left side of my in-front-of-the-porch gardens has an esteem issue. it just doesn't do as well as the other side. i think it's partly my fault. i don't spend as much time there. i definately favor the right side. i should really work on that.

oh, and also, i'm doing better with the situation about my youngest brother and his fiance. i didn't pray about it, but i'm certain someone else did. because all of the sudden i didn't care. i'm too busy to spend time being a pain in the rear end. and i do like her more. and i'm excited for them. these are all good things, but sometimes i can't help but feel like someone out there and God sure pulled a good one over on me. i didn't want to be fine with it and even though i am and i'm glad that i am, i still would have liked to be right.

my brother bob and his wife nicky are buying a new house. they close on friday and move on saturday. i went over and helped them clean for a while last night... it's a super cute house, but let me say this: gross. the woman who lived there was not in the same catagory of clean as anyone i know. i can see why the owner kicked her out. the bathroom i cleaned, which nicky said looked better than the one she'd already cleaned, looked like something blew up in there. i have never seen a bathroom like that. she also had funny ideas about where the best places were to store certain unmentionable toys, which were some of the only things she left behind. the pantry, the guest bathroom... perhaps a few presents for the new people? yeah. we threw them away. my brother laughed out loud at one point as i walked by him. to my what? he replied, 'it's just really, really weird to see you carrying something that says penthouse.'

i suppose that's a good thing.

st. louis addendum.

2006-06-27T14:06:00.000-05:00

i thought i'd post some of the pictures that wouldn't load on the original st. louis post.

so, um, here they are.

in the park with kristin.

2006-06-26T15:23:00.000-05:00

last monday, i drove down to edina to hang out with my dear friend, kristin. the original plan was to shoot together and then it changed to a trip to the art institute and then we had nothing. so we walked. we went down to the centennial lakes park and found ourselves at a concert where i couldn't resist pulling out my camera. randomly, i had my n80 in the bag, too, so i pulled that out and kristin shot the roll of film that's been in there for awhile. you can see some of the concert pictures on the goya site, but here are a few others from the park.

i'm excited to see what kristin came up with from the day. i love seeing the same thing from different perspectives. because i see with my eyes and don't know what it's like to look at the world from your eyes. so, pony up, kristin... let's see 'em!

work.

2006-06-26T11:28:00.000-05:00

let me talk about my job for a minute. i don't usually say much about it, but that's because there isn't much to say. i'm a receptionist. i answer the phones, i make the (fantastic) coffee, i greet the visitors. when i applied for and accepted this job, this is what i wanted. i wanted to be overqualified. i wanted to do crosswords to fill the time. i wanted to not have to think. i wanted to rest. but mostly, i wanted a job. so i took this job of answering phones with a bit of data entry.

the interesting thing about being overqualified for a job is that people soon realize that you have a greater capacity than what they're using you for. and before you know it, your job is no longer filled with crosswords and crochet, but with more responsibility and projects. i still love my job... this is a wonderful place to work, it pays my bills and i have benefits. i'm just busy now.

all this to say that i'm sorry i haven't been posting much lately. i don't have internet access at home and once i get going at work, i run out of time to post. i'm making an end of june resolution, though. i'm actually going to start taking my fifteen minute breaks.

so, here's morning break #1. though fairly uninteresting, it does hold the promise of an afternoon post.

i heart marathons.

2006-06-19T09:26:00.000-05:00

i went to duluth this weekend to cheer on my friend jen while she ran grandma's for the first time. it was a blast! i had no idea that watching a marathon would be so stinkin' fun. her husband, ben and i parked ourselves early at mile 16 and passed our time rooting for those that passed before her. when we saw her green shorts coming (we decided she should wear fluorescent shorts next year because they were definately easier to see from a distance) it was more thrilling than anything i've experienced all year. i could hardly contain myself... snapping pictures, yelling, clapping. unbelievable. i highly recommend marathon spectatorship. ben and i, both first-time marathon spectators, have big plans already for next year. they involve a coleman stove, some chairs, a couple of bikes and cow bells, among other things.

AND, i want you to know that i, too, ran in the grandma's marathon. right between miles 23 and 24, i think. ben and i had to cross the street and in order to not get in the way of the actual runners, we had to do this sort of jogging zigzag across the street. i didn't have a number, but so what... i ran in a marathon. now i can die with no regrets.

questions.

2006-06-14T14:49:00.000-05:00

why are toothbrushes getting bigger?

warning: i have quirks. the following will alert you to one of the quirks i have that no one, including myself, entirely understands.

right outside my bathroom, i keep a red owl measuring glass full of toothbrushes. remember red owls? i don't think they're around anymore. we had one in monticello when i was growing up. i've been using this cup since i was in junior high or high school, ever since i started using more than one toothbrush. i think i started this because i couldn't decide which toothbrush to get so i got them both. and then i alternated the use of them. every other day. and then, one day, i got a third. i remember someone giving me a toothbrush once as part of a present. that made four or five. eventually it got up to seven. and then i retired one and didn't end up replacing it, so it sat at six for quite a few years. recently, i started to get annoyed that i didn't have seven, because there are not only six days in a week. i know this seems total ocd, but i swear, i could quit at any time.

my ideal toothbrush is one of medium firmness in a compact head. through the years, as i've been replacing the aging brushes, it's been getting harder and harder to find compact heads. i can only find them once in a while now, but they are always soft. i'm wondering if i missed some dental study that posed the risks of using compact heads. do they get a bad rap because people are poor brushers? have they been blaming the lack of bristle area for their unclean teeth?

but what i'm most concerned about is the size of the handles. they're getting so big. it's getting really hard to keep seven toothbrushes in order in my red owl glass. and something tells me that people may be having issues getting some of these handles in actual toothbrush holders. i don't ever remember the holes being that big. are we losing dexterity in our hands that makes it harder to hold smaller handles? are we that concerned with ergonomic qualities in something we hold for such a small percentage of our day? is it worth it?

and so i ask. why? why are they making toothbrushes so big?

st. louis.

2006-06-12T14:17:00.000-05:00

i'm sorry! i'm sorry, i'm sorry!

life got busy. but that's no excuse. funny things happen in the busy days and i should let you know these things. as it were, i was out of town last week. i was in st. louis at a database conference. thrill-a-minute, i tell you, thrill-a-minute. no, it was good. super long days and a buttload of information, but it was good. i went with my supervisor lori, who turned out to be a great traveling partner, and after four days, we mastered the transit system.

tuesday, we left super early (a bit too early for cohesive thinking, but late enough that i managed to get three hours of sleep in before i had to get up again...) so that we would have all of tuesday to do stuff. what happened, was that instead of cramming a ton of stuff in, we just took our time and did half the stuff we had planned. we spent quite a bit of time at the zoo, which, if you haven't been there, is a fantastic zoo. you can check out some pictures on the goya page.

and on wednesday, we went to see ben bedford in this incredibly dark (read: super hard to take pictures) bar. for some reason, i thought that this place, the shanti, served food, but it didn't. after leaving late and then walking two and half miles, we were starving. so we walked down a few blocks and came upon fat toney's. we got to meet fat toney while we were there. this is what i know: toney is a large man and his food is good. when we got back, we were a part of the smallest audience i have ever been a part of. aside from ben's dad, we were the only two people there that were there to hear him. there were others there... but they were watching the cardinals game or talking at the bar. it was weird. he said he's gotten used to it, but i cannot imagine not being offended. it is safe to say that both lori and i absolutely enjoyed ourselves.

i'd like to show you more pictures, but i can't seem to post anymore. so you'll just have to imagine, because i've been trying since monday and i'm thinking it's just not going to work.

on thursday, we rode the arch. this is what i have to say about that... once is enough. i was fine, nothing super spectacular. in fact, it was more impressive looking at it than from it. i'm not sure what we were expecting, but we felt a little let down when we got up to the top.

and there was a telephone by our toilet. i think this is weird. of course, i come from the opinion that you really don't need to spend any extra time in bathrooms than what is necessary. get in, get out. it's a bathroom, for pete's sake. we thought the funniest part of it all was a hold button. imagine with me why you would need to put someone on hold in the bathroom. funny, right? lori and i decided that we couldn't let a toilet phone go to waste, so i called my cousin, jenny, and left her a message. i wasn't using the bathroom, due to my philosophy surrounding such rooms, but i was sitting on top of the toilet. i'd show you a picture if i could. but i can't.

all in all, it was a good week. we laughed a lot, we got little sleep and we had an immense amount of knowledge injected into our heads.

the worst ugly.

2006-06-05T18:49:00.000-05:00

today, i proved to myself how incredibly self-absorbed i can get. i leave my house tomorrow morning at 4:15 for a conference in st. louis. after i get back late friday night, i have to pick up my grandma on saturday and go to a bridal shower. i had a gift to pick up, last minute shopping for the trip to do, a house to finish cleaning, packing to do and supper to eat. and i had to swing over to my parent's house to pick up a few things.

about an hour before i should have left work, a man came in asking to possibly speak with someone who could encourage him and pray with him. he was a traveling evangelist, living out of his car just trying to show people a little glimpse of jesus. i did what i was supposed to do and started the trail to find him a pastor to talk to. he sat with him for quite some time and as i was leaving, already fifteen minutes later than i should be, he popped up and started talking to me. i made idle chitchat with him as i made my way to the door. inside, i told him to stop talking, i was in a hurry. but he wouldn't stop talking. and i very slowly and quite rudely made my way to the door until it was open and i was backing out of it. i threw out a shallow blessings to you and turned around. out in the parking lot, i started scolding myself and realized how horrible i had been. the man was lonely. he just wanted to talk. what business of mine is so important that i couldn't spare ten minutes to sit down and chat? the stores would all be open. my parents' house would still be there. my unpacked clothes would not run away if not put in a bag before eight.

i sat in my car, telling myself i should just go back in and talk to him. do you know what constantly ran through my head? 'what you have done for the least of these, you have done for me.' as i drove away, having done nothing, my heart ached. i left my lonely jesus inside my church, wishing he would just stop talking. i suck.

wet plants.

2006-06-01T12:30:00.000-05:00

after work yesterday, i picked up vegetables for the new garden before going home, eating and falling on the couch. i realized, at about 8:45 that it had been a few days since any of my plants had been watered (it's key here to remember that maple lake gets gypped every time the rain passes through minnesota), so i put the flip flops back on and hooked the hose up. i spent about 45 minutes watering plants, getting my feet, hands and skirt dirty in the process. i know, it makes no sense to get so dirty when you're just watering, but it happens. especially when you can't help but weed at the same time. i looped the hose up, went back inside and went to bed, glad i had taken the time to water.

folks, it poured last night.

crisis.

2006-05-31T08:31:00.000-05:00

i have a problem. we all have a problem. i include you because this is so important to me that i think you should care, as well.

i have misplaced my jake armerding and emmylou harris red dirt girl cds. i have the cases, just no cds. i don't understand it, how could i lose just the cds??? these are fantastic cds and without them, my collection takes a downward turn from greatness. sniff. choke. be strong. we'll make it. we'll find them.

to chill or not to chill.

2006-05-30T16:10:00.000-05:00

i thought a lot about air conditioning this weekend. with most days well into the 90s and the humidity at high levels, one is apt to think about air conditioning.

especially if you don't have any.

i have none. thus, i thought about it.

in my car, i have no air. on really hot days, even with all the windows rolled down, the back of your shirt will showcase two colors... the wet color and the dry color. and for some reason, my car seems to be a bit of a vaccuum for heat. so i try not to go anywhere that would require me to roll up my windows while parking my car in the sun. often, when traveling with guests, they insist upon trying the air, certain it will be cooler. no amount of talking will convince them that it won't work. so, you turn on the air, roll up the windows and sit in a blissful state of knowing you were right while they sit amidst their pride. and you hope they buck up and admit they were wrong before you suffocate.

in my house, i have no air. i do have trees on either side of my house, so most of the day, the sun doesn't shine directly into my house. this helps. i don't have a fan, but i do have screens that let surprising amounts of breeze in. but on a weekend like the one we just had, it is not cool in my home. i'll admit, this weekend, as i was holed up in my house working on projects, i took a lot of lathargic breaks with a remote in my hand and a creamsicle in the other. i know that consuming vast amounts of sugar is not a good idea when you want to cool down, but you'll be happy to know that i accidentally bought sugar free creamsicles. they are really not that great.

i thought this weekend about air conditioning. maybe i should get one for the house. but i like looking out my windows more than i like to be cool. maybe i should get the air fixed in the car. but it's so old. is it worth it?

and then i realize, this is the same attitude that people take about winter, why they don't play outside, why they're holed up in their houses complaining about the weather that is just a part of minnesota life. and it's the same reason why i will go to no great lengths to air condition my life. i like the bitter cold. because it makes the summer so much sweeter. and it makes me tougher. and the sticky, disgusting humid heat makes me tougher. i don't know why i like to be tougher. having three brothers might have something to do with it. wanting to spend time outside may also.

so, this my friends, is what i have concluded: knowing that i have lived my entire life without air conditioning makes me realize that i can live this summer without it. i'll stock up on the lemonade, seek out the shade and slowly acclimate myself to the temperatures just in time for winter to start again. and that's the end of the story.

woo!

2006-05-24T21:44:00.000-05:00

SOUL PATROL!!!

close encounter.

2006-05-24T17:20:00.000-05:00

on the way out to montana, we drove through a fairly severe storm. i, of course, absolutely loved it and thought it was the best part of the drive. mostly what i want to tell you about is the lightening. the rain had abated and the grass greener. the wind was still strong and the smell of freshness was in the air. all of the sudden, we heard this really loud clap of thunder to the left. all five of us whipped our heads in that direction, which seems to be an involuntary movement. at that instant, we saw a bolt of lightening hit the ground about twenty feet from the road. the ground was all orange and we could actually see the contact point. as i tried to blink away the line in my eyes, i asked, did you just see that??? nobody directly answered me because they were all asking the same question. it was crazy.

montana.

2006-05-23T11:39:00.000-05:00

i am back. i am tired. i am glad i went.

it was good to go back to montana. it's been too long. there were pieces of the landscape i recognized and some that i missed.

i have stories. and i'll tell them, but not all at once. for now, let me just leave you with the reason for my journey westward.

this is lucille. she turned one hundred on april 9th.

she's lived a life worth repeating. this is a woman who can do anything. this earth will both grieve her loss and rejoice her soul when she leaves us.

it is a better world because she lives in it.

and we had ourselves one fine party.

leaving the road.

2006-05-19T15:31:00.000-05:00

i had so much on my plate last night. i had a shoot to edit, laundry and dishes to wash, plants to plant, a lawn to mow and a bag to pack. oh, yeah, and eat.

after running errands, i was driving home and i left the road. i turned left when i should have gone straight. i took an hour to do what i promised myself would only take minutes. i got some decent pictures. nothing i'm blown over by, but it was a good reminder to me that it's necessary for me to be spontaneous sometimes. to blow off the responsibilities of life and just be. it was a well spent hour.

i got home, mowed and planted in the rain and then started the laundry and dishes. i went to bed because i was tired and packed this morning. i didn't get to the photos. i forgot to eat.

tonight, i leave for the cabin, from which my grandma and i will leave at six am to meet my aunt and cousins for a fourteen hour drive to montana. it was really good for me to slow down for a bit.

life off the road is far better than life on the road.

smell of heaven.

2006-05-16T15:07:00.000-05:00

life is quietly busy these days, but the first of my lilies of the valley have blossomed, which means that i collected a handful and put them on my desk. all day, i have been picking up the little vase, sticking my nose deep within and breathing in. one cannot help but sigh with delight. i feel like i'm in a febreeze commercial.

and on another note, kevin informed me that i was no longer his best friend. seems i've been passed over for someone with an interest in mr t? since i was not aware that i ever had been his bff, it's not crushed me.

i suppose if it does get me down, i'll just smell the lilies. and all will be well.

goya.

2006-05-11T10:40:00.000-05:00

goya? what the heck is goya? well, it's an acronym. i know it was hard to tell that because acronyms are usually in all caps and i don't use caps at all. sorry. it stands for get off your arse. and it happens on fridays. or thursday nights, as was the case last week, but it's really fridays. every friday, i will be getting off my arse and making a point to take a collection of photos that i could envision in a coffee shop. it's all been inspired by a guy named zack arias, a photographer out of atlanta. it's a good idea. and so, if you choose to follow the link, you too can reap the benefits of goya fridays.

point of purpose.

as a disclaimer, i've been having some html issues, so there are still a few little quirks. but the pictures are there. enjoy.

ashley nicole.

2006-05-11T08:18:00.000-05:00

and so i have a niece that joins my little nephew in heaven.

news.

2006-05-10T10:19:00.000-05:00

i thought about telling you guys this before, but i didn't. maybe i didn't want to jinx it, but i want to tell you now. my brother bobby and his wife nicky are pregnant again. you may remember that the pregnancy this past fall ended in a miscarriage (if not, read through posts from the beginning of october). she also miscarried twins last march.

nicky is at about 16 or 17 weeks right now. this is about a week or so earlier than she started to miscarry last october. tomorrow, they have an ultrasound scheduled to find out if it's a boy or a girl. i asked nicky which she preferred and she told me, 'i don't care if it's a boy, i don't care if it's a girl, i don't care if it's handicapped. i just want to bring a baby home.'

right now, they're at north memorial. she's miscarrying again and they're waiting again. the baby is healthy, strong, growing. but, barring a miracle, there is no chance for survival. apparently, her cervix has relaxed and the amniotic sac is coming out, too far to do anything about it. they have plans to prevent this next time she gets pregnant, but no magic trick to help this little baby.

this little baby just trying to live.

finally.

2006-05-10T08:50:00.000-05:00

we've been getting gypped out here in maple lake. it seems we live in a bubble that keeps the really good storms at bay. they're always to the west or the south or any other direction (being north or east), just not over my sleepy little town. i get really disappointed because i like the severe storms. i'm not so into damage, but i like the strength of storms. i love to stand on my porch and feel the wind. smell the rain. it feels like a show god puts on. show me the power sort of thing. and i love to fall asleep to the rhythm of the rain and the rumble of the thunder. i love it when a flash of lightening wakes me up. and i love to just watch the rain come down.

but we haven't been getting storms at my house. and last night, as it was pouring and hailing at joel and kathy's, i thought... i bet i'm missing this at home. and as i was leaving, we were looking at a large thunderhead off in the distance and since i'm always turned around at their house, i thought... and i sure won't see it at home.

but at every turn and every curve, i got more excited. because i realized that i was driving right at that thunderhead. with every flash of lightening, i got giddier. i honestly don't have the words to fully describe the emotions i was having. i was speeding home, not because i didn't want to drive in the rain, but i wanted to enjoy the storm without having to think about driving.

going home last night was sadly the best worship i have experienced in what seems like way too long. oh, but it was good.

rip it off.

2006-05-08T03:22:00.000-05:00

a few weeks ago, i burned the back of my wrist on the oven. i'll admit, it hurt, but it was in no ways debilitating or reason enough to cry. last week, the scab had started to come up a little around the edges, but as a whole, was so not ready to come off.

and then, on friday, just as i was about to leave work, i stretched my sleeves out over my hands and it got caught. and it came off. and it hurt like a banshee.

but it seems the intense pain was worth it, because i no longer have to worry about it coming off early and hurting. because it already did. i survived the pain and though i always knew i would, i dreaded the moment i would have to go through it. the worry was worse than the pain.

and now here's the profound part. aren't so many things in life just like that?